Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
you inspire me to be a worse person
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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