Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
That's intense
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
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