he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
