I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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