We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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