Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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