Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
