I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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