What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
grandma shit on top of the toilet
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
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