I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
