She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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