I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
