Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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