Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
