Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I party with great urgency now.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
