If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Randomize
