I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
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