One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
