Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Randomize
