I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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