I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I'm both gender and math confused
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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