Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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