there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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