Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Sext me about skeletons
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
God, I missed his penis.
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