i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
