Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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