I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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