i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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