Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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