Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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