i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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