Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
