why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
