Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
