Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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