I puked a lego.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
