yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
