Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
