thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
