I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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