Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize