just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
