Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Randomize
