Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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