my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
