Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
