The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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