i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Randomize
