I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Dear god my vagina.
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