I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
