Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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