When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
