Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
i now understand why vodka
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
