Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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