last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Randomize
