You can't special order awesome
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
