I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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