i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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