Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
