i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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